A Cat’s Guide to Design
To cultivate a reputation as a cultural sophis-ticate, a cat must be crystal clear on the difference between good taste and bad. Bad taste is easy to spot. Most of your human’s wardrobe, day-old cat food, and orange vinyl beanbags, fall into this category. Good taste, how-ever, can be much more difficult to recognize.
Humans are, as usual, very little help (it’s high time we cats just accepted their functions extend to opening cans of food, providing water, cleaning the litter, the occasional petting and nothing more). Just try asking a human to define the principles of good design. Most humans will reply with a Neanderthal “huh??” But a minority of humans – those who eat sushi for breakfast and own only black clothes – will launch into long and impenetrable ‘explanations’ of the essence of design.
Such theoretical discussions will leave even the most highly intelligent cat utterly baffled.
Humans enjoy making simple things seem complicat-ed. It makes them feel important. The aesthetically inclined feline knows that good design is not as mysterious as the humans make it out to be. In fact, determining whether an object is well-designed or not is a rather simple task, based on a series of practical, definable criteria. The next time your human has a new piece of furniture delivered, ask yourself the following questions. It takes only a matter of seconds to determine whether your human’s taste is improving or not.
Will this designer object show enough cat fur?
One of the most important aspects of design is color.
What shade is the new item? Will it show enough cat fur and paw marks? Ideally, you’re looking for a sharp tone contrast with your fur color. If possible, test the color immediately to see whether the new object is a worthy addition to your territory. If you’re fair-furred, purple velvet will catch and show to perfection every single hair you shed. But if your fur is dark, you really need to be breaking in a white sofa. Especially if you’ve been out in the rain, and you have a little mud on your paws.
Can you sit on it for grooming purposes?
Any kind of soft furniture is a dream to wash on, but wooden pieces such as coffee tables present more of a challenge. If your humans have bought you a table, try to be patient until they’ve finished attempting to create a zen vibe on it, with essential oil candles and glass bowls of flowers.
Now leap gently onto the tabletop. Can you stretch out, and wash without suffering the indignity of falling off? Experiment with some of your more athletic contortions while the humans discuss the ‘clean lines’ and ‘minimalist glamor’ of the piece.
It you accidentally knock one of the glass bowls full of water lilies onto the floor, it will hardly be your fault. When the humans rush in shouting, calmly point out to them that their zen vibe clearly isn’t working.
Will the designer object make your friends jealous?
Think about whether the design piece is going to elevate your social standing. Can you boast about having it in your house? Will your friends be jostling for invitations to come over and sleep or wash on it?
If this piece is a big winner with your contemporaries, it’s worth its’ weight in cat food. And think about the possibilities – it could come in very handy during mating season.
Does the new piece smell like cat food? (If not, can you MAKE it smell like cat food?)
Any well-designed object must have the capacity to retain crumbs of cat food and absorb copious amounts of aromatic saliva. Look for plushy fabric or sharp edges which can ‘grab’ those tasty little morsels, and remind everyone in the house that you have priority access to this expensive new piece of furniture. It is your territory, after all.
Is the acquisition comfortable to sleep on?
This is key. You don’t want your home getting crowded with impractical bits of furniture that may be pretty, but are too uncomfortable to pass out on for ten hours or so. Conduct rigorous scientific tests.
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